By Ibrahim Suleiman
Okay so Seye is really ticked off right now. I can tell. Do you want to know how I know? He has that look on his face when he’s ticked off at something or someone. You know, that look you have on your face when someone farts a real stinker and it hits you mid-sentence with your mouth open and all? That is what Seye looks like when he is ticked off.
That’s what I usually tell him when he’s pissed off. It always cracks him up, lightens the mood considerably. But this time he’s pissed off at me. He may crack my head open and liberate my hung-over brain, along with my now-sedate rhinos instead. We simply cannot have that, so I shall hold my tongue about his “mess-face”.
He’s still yelling and gesticulating and all that by the way. Omo see bege.
Apparently, I was supposed to pick his in-laws up at the airport, then head to his place for the baby’s naming ceremony at 10 o’clock on Saturday morning. I went to bed on Friday night and Ireti came in and woke me up at about 8 o’clock on Saturday EVENING. Yep! I had blacked out for almost 18 hours.
I’m trying to put on that contrite puppy-dog look that should make me look apologetic, but Ireti shoots me a look that wipes it right off my face. She always says “that crap never works and it makes you look like a douchebag.”
This is not going to end well.
I need to do something to fix this; I was Seye’s best man and have always had his back. I didn’t see this coming so I can only imagine how he feels. I have never left him hanging in all the 22 years we have been buddies. Last night is a total black hole, I can’t remember squat about it. Feels like someone just selected the last 24 hours in my memory and clicked .
This must be how people who get slipped the date rape drug feel. How disconcerting.
WAIT A MINUTE!
I do a quick butt-clench and feel no pain in my “internal plumbing outlet”. Okay that eliminates the possibility that I had been ruffied. Thank goodness. The relief that washes over me is near orgasmic.
Ireti has gotten Seye to sit down and he’s holding a glass of cold water. This is a good sign, but he still has his “mess-face” on. I will maintain my distance.
He growls at me,“Ejiro how could you do this to me, ehn? Of all days, today? Imagine Zubair having to stand in as godfather because your daft self went AWOL on me!”
Zubi is a dear friend of ours but most people, especially Seye’s wife Bisi, generally can’t stand him because he just says stuff as they pop into his sizeable skull.
He comes across as a total ass most of the time so I can see why Shay-man is pained by that. Sigh…
Seye takes a long drink from his glass, inhales deeply and exhales slowly. Then looks me dead in the eye and says,
“you know what the worst part is? My in-laws who waited to be picked up at the airport for almost two hours threatened to return the yams and kola that I brought to them when I came to ask their daughter’s hand in marriage. Nigga, do you have any idea what three-and-a-half-year-old kolanuts look like?”
first thought that came to my head was, ‘mummified testicles’ but I figured that his question was purely rhetorical and any response, especially THAT response would see me end up in hospital and Seye in jail for attempted murder so I clamped the hole in my face shut and tried the puppy-dog/douchebag look again.
Ireti eyeballed me. I shifted further away.
“Where the flip did you go and why didn’t you show?” Seye asked in a heartbroken voice. Poor chap. He looked like he needed a hug. I made a mental note to give him one. Not now sha, maybe in six months. No need to rush into such things and get murdered biko. I looked at Ireti; she nodded and raised her eyebrows with that “Ehen? Oya explain na” expression on her face.
If she wasn’t so beautiful and I hadn’t already bought kolanuts for her parents I would have run her over with a wheelbarrow right then. Snitch.
So, I will attempt to remember what happened last night.
First, I’ll take a long pull at my drink. You know, something to ginger them sleepy brain-cells.