Art House

The Beer Story: Chapter 4

By Ibrahim Suleiman

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We walked into the living room and heard laughter coming from the kitchen. 
Seye and I looked at each other with our eyebrows raised so high they are almost in contact with our hairlines (yes, even Seye’s moonwalking hairline). Bisi came out carrying two boxes of pizza, followed by Zubi and my flat mate Dara, both of them carrying serviettes, drinks and a tray of suya. I instantly hear a growl from my mid-section and almost slip on my own drool. I haven’t eaten all day and I am starved.
Bisi kissed Seye and glowered at me. I offered a sheepish smile and wave, whilst stylishly putting the couch between us in case she decides to go all Lucy Liu on me. My shin still hurts from Lydia’s kick abeg.
Zubi and Dara are still laughing at whatever joke they were sharing so we just shake hands. The kitchen door opens again and a cute lady with the prettiest eyes I ever saw stepped out whilst drying her hands on a napkin. She took one look at me and instantly started giggling. I turned to look at myself in the nearest reflective surface in case I had a booger sticking out of my nostril or something.
Zubi cracks up and says,“relax man, that’s Frances, you met her last night. She just remembered what happened that’s all.”
Again, last night!
Then he cuts off my response by asking,
“Kai shege, Ina akuya Na?”
(Hausa for; hey bastard, where’s my goat?)
AHA! That goat in Lydia’s boot!
“Zubi where on earth did that goat come from??? I almost pissed myself when it jumped out of the boot!”
Zubi and Frances almost fall over laughing.
Apparently I had run the poor goat over when i went to drop them off at his place and I just said out loud, “what would Walter White do?”
then I hopped out of the car, picked up the goat which was more in shock than in pain and dumped it in the boot. Then I got back in the driver’s seat, slammed the door shut, turned to look at them and said,
“goats really should shower more often” and drove off.
Seye, Dara and Bisi could have died laughing right there. I could have just plain died right there. What was I on last night???!
When everybody had collectively composed themselves, I asked if I could see the baby (at least that should distract everyone from my humiliation).
We all followed Bisi into the nursery as quietly as possible and stared down at the cute little human while we cooed like pigeons.
Dara says, “Look how tiny all her features are. So amazing, tiny but complete.”
We all nodded and smiled in agreement.
Then Zubair says, “She’s so cute though. But they grow up SO fast! Next thing we know, she’s 19 already, twerking and licking hammers all over the place.”
The stunned silence that followed was epic…I was caught between bursting into raucous laughter and praying for rapture right there…Seye’s mess face returned…Dara and Frances look like they would rather be anywhere but here.
We all collectively have our jaws on the floor.
Then Bisi slapped him…Hard.
The baby woke up and started crying. Bisi picked her up and tried to pacify her. The rest of us filed out quickly.
My phone rang. It was James, a colleague. He said his laptop was in my car and he was on his way to my house to pick it up. I hastily plead with Zubi to take me to the bar to pick up the car. Dara and Frances hastily offer to come with me. We say an awkward goodnight to Seye and hastily get into the car.
We ride in silence for a couple of minutes, and then Zubi chuckles and says,
“Now I know why Seye no get sideburns. Bisi don slap all comot”
I shake my head. This guy…

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