The words take a second to sink in and then the world stops.
Someone screams, others begin to talk all at once and I… I just stare at the person talking to me but can’t hear a word.
I feel a hand tug at me and follow blindly
As the words, she’s gone , replays over and over in my head.
She can’t be gone, I haven’t told her how much I love her yet. I promised her I’d make her proud but I’m still working on it. What about the vacations and the grandchildren she talked so fondly about, they’re not here yet. I haven’t said i’m sorry for missing her birthday.
I turn to go back, I have to see for myself. I have to see her face and hold her hand and tell her she can go home with us, Mummy has to go home with us.
I fall to my knees and the tears take over.
Everything is a blur after that.
All I see are faces, family, friends, neighbors, everyone is here but her. Why are they here? Why won’t they leave me alone? Where were they when she was alive and well? She’s mine to mourn not theirs. But i say nothing, as I force a smile for an aunt or two.
I am now the parent to my siblings everyone says, I don’t want to be. I can never be my Mother, how dare they ask me to replace her? She was perfect, she was… She was.
It’s funeral day and the morgue is five minutes away. I’m panicking, I don’t want to go in there. I want her to be alive, I don’t want to see her body. I just want her to be alive. Maybe if they show her to me she will wake up, smile and take me home.
I sight the coffin and stop in my tracks, my brother takes my hand and we walk up to it. Then, a man opens it and I close my eyes begging for her to say my name. I wait but there is only silence interrupted by my sister’s tears. I open my eyes and there she is, lying still. Mama, my dear Mama. My rock, my love, my heart and soul, my super hero so full of life is there motionless in a box.
Days have gone by and it still hurts. I still wake up at 5am to wait for your call. I miss the prayers you say to me over the phone, I miss telling you about my day. I miss you. My sister asked me yesterday how she would get married without her mother, I had been thinking about that too. You won’t see us get married, you won’t see us become millionaires, we won’t even get the chance to give you the life you always wanted. This isn’t what you wanted, heck this isn’t what we wanted.
If only you could live forever, then we would never have to say goodbye.
… To everyone who has lost a mother…